15 Ways We Can Practice Establishing Boundaries
What are boundaries?
bound·a·ry
/ˈbound(ə)rē/
a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.
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There are physical boundaries and there are psychological boundaries. We learn how to establish boundaries from our family systems - the first community that we are exposed to. In family psychology, boundaries that are too tight and unclear are ENMESHED. Boundaries that are far too removed and almost completely detached are DISENGAGED. Whether we grew up in extremely enmeshed or disengaged families, we as adults can find ways to strike a balance between the two - so as to appreciate the relationships that we have with our friends, family, and coworkers. So here are 15 ways you can practice establishing your boundaries every day!
Establish a morning routine.
Get clear on how you spend your mornings. Avoid checking your phone, reading e-mails, or responding to work texts / calls as soon as you wake up. One way to get clear on your boundaries is by establishing a clear routine for yourself in the morning.
Wake up
Work out
Meditate or Pray or Chant (whatever works for you)
Eat breakfast
Take your vitamins
Set your intention for the day
What is one thing that you can start practicing every morning? Get clear and make sure you slip it into your routine for the next 30 days! Learn to look at your thoughts kindly.
What does speaking kindly to myself have to do with BOUNDARIES?
Well, the model of the mind (Freudian Psychology) is composed of the ID, EGO, and SUPER EGO. And when things get really hard, the super ego will tend to take over. It's main function is to be able to PARENT us in difficulty - and make sure that we keep our moral compass. The messages of the super ego come from our elders and the rules that were imposed on us growing up. Maybe you grew up with strict and overbearing parents, or maybe they didn't really give a damn sending out the message that nobody really cares about you.
When we are met with difficulty, it is important to parent the parent in us and to establish compassion. We need to get clear with the voices in our head - and get clear on what is allowed in our mental space.
What are the thoughts that come up for you when you are feeling negative? How do you often deal with it? And how can you offer yourself words of compassion to redirect how you might deal with your situation? Is it necessary to react? Is it necessary to attack? Who are you attacking? And why? 4x4 Breathwork
4x4 Breathwork or box breathing can serve as a powerful stress reliever. Among it's benefits are:
✔️Reduces physical stress symptoms in the body.
✔️Positively affects emotions and mental well-being.
✔️Increases mental clarity, energy, and focus.
✔️Improves future reactions to stress.
By learning how to take control of our breath we can set the foundation for BOUNDARIES by becoming champions at what we call EMOTIONAL REGULATION. When we are able to contain our emotions and provide appropriate responses to situations, we are exercising our boundaries. And the best way to ensure that we stay in line with our boundaries is through something as simple as BREATH WORK.Set limits to the hours you spend working.
You need to know when it's work time, family time, and friend time. Not only does this help you with your mental sanity, it can also be a sign of deep respect for the people that you are spending time with.
What is one way that you can set a limit on your work hours? And how can you ensure that you do not take home any work with you? Or let it spill into personal relationships?
One way that we can set limits is first by being clear about where and when you check your e-mails.
Another way is by turning off all notifications passed a certain hour.
And finally, instead of taking calls and texts for work, limit all discussions to e-mail to avoid having work come into bed with you. There's really nothing sexy about answering e-mails at 12 midnight (unless you work the night shift!)
Studies actually show that setting limits can help us improve our emotional regulation and increase our productivity significantly. Keep a journal - write down your thoughts!
Keeping a journal can help us get clear about who we are, what we believe in, where we draw the line, and what we want out of life.
Remember that you don't have to figure it all out in one sitting, but as you write your thoughts down and watch them evolve through time, you will find that you have a kind of ESSENCE - the part of you that makes you YOU.
Don't know where to start?
Try this exercise from mindfulness based cognitive therapy:
For 7 days each, keep a log of your GOOD or positive experiences and BAD or negative experiences. Make sure to do these activities separately, one week apart from each other.
In your log sheet keep tab on the following:
1) What was the experience?
2) What did you feel?
3) Where in your body did you feel this?
4) What were your thoughts?
5) What did it make you want to do?
6) What do you feel now as you write this...?
Give it a shot and see where it goes!
This simple activity will show you how things are inter-connected, and you might just discover a pattern there. Boundaries begin where our understanding of ourselves improve.Go to therapy.
What does this have to do with boundaries?
Well, a lot.
Counseling or “talk therapy” is recommended to anyone who may have a concern that they would like to work through – whether it may be about their health, relationships, family, academics, work, career, direction, friendships, organizations, and many more. Counseling or psychotherapy can be beneficial as you work through the content with a professional.Why? Because listening to people's problems is EMOTIONAL LABOR. And sometimes our friends just don't have the capacity to hold space for us when we are not at our best. Working with a professional can help provide you clarity where the lines have been blurred.
Your therapist can work with you to create concrete action steps in order for you to establish stronger boundaries in your life.
For a list of professionals in Metro Manila, please visit www.breakyourstigma.com Have courage to be disliked for the choices you make.
Adlerian Psychology, also known as INDIVIDUAL PSYCHOLOGY, is grounded on the premise that people are responsible for who they are. Psychologically healthy people, in Adler's view, are aware. Their personality is unified and consistent. A human being's main goal is to be able to unify the self and strive for social interest.
Adler also believed that living in fear of one's relationships falling apart is an unfree way to live, in which one would be living FOR OTHER PEOPLE. He says that in order to form good interpersonal relationships this requires a certain degree of distance, also known as BOUNDARIES.Be aware of what is from you and what is from them.
Have a clear separation of energy. In psychotherapy and counseling, this would refer to the awareness of TRANSFERENCE and COUNTER TRANSFERENCE. Transference as the word suggests is the TRANSFERRING or projecting of one’s own inner state onto another person. In the therapy transference would be the client onto therapist. Counter transference would be therapist towards client.
In every day situations, however, this would probably be experienced in arguments. Some of us may know what it feels like to be dragged into an argument, blamed for our character, and emotionally withdrawn from right after. How many of us have played the scene over and over and over in our heads thinking "what could I have possibly done wrong?"
Sometimes when we're faced with a difficult person, we need to remember that what is FROM them may not necessarily be true OF you. This is one good way of really knowing your personal BOUNDARIES.
Learn to know the difference of someone projecting their anger or frustration on you, and someone who would like to discuss an issue. Lashing out is not considered feedback. Neither is shaming of someone's choices and character. There are ways to discuss. Be mindful of projecting your own energy on a situation.
The best way to become aware of your transference is by first understanding where you are coming from and what that wound is that you need so badly to address.Learn to listen to others mindfully... As if your were looking at them for the first time.
• Be mindful of what they are saying
• Listen to the tone of their voice
• Pay attention to their eyes
• Notice the words that they use
• If thoughts come up, let it go and bring your focus back to what they are saying
• And finally, say nothing.
Can you really hear what’s being said?
PAUSE.
We live in a world of automaticity and it is man's greatest flaw to want to FIX FIX FIX all the time. This is called DOING MODE. Practicing mindful listening is one of the many ways in which we can enhance our practice on boundaries and just learn how to BE. By learning how to pay attention purposefully we learn how to shut out all the outside and inside noise.
Maybe the judgment, association, comparison, preference, or image that you held in your mind wasn't necessary. Maybe if you listen mindfully, you will notice what is really being said. Ask yourself - is this task mine?
One of the key concepts of Adlerian psychology is the separation of tasks. Adler prescribes that in order to be truly happy, one must be aware of their tasks and that of an other.
What did he mean?
We can't make choices for people. Neither can we dictate the course of their lives. Sometimes it can be very tempting to tell someone how to do things and even give advise when we see things going in a direction we may not necessarily like. But individual psychology teaches great lessons in BOUNDARIES as it asks us to check in with ourselves with the question - is this task mine? Is this my journey? What is my role in this?
Before you say, "but they're my _____ and I just care about them", remember that while you may care very deeply for an other, the task is not yours.
How can you practice separation of tasks in your life?
Where do you feel the lines have blurred?
And what tasks are you taking on that are no longer serving you?Body Scan
The Body Scan is a mindfulness based exercise that is proven to help enhance the somatosensory cortex of the brain as well as your INTUITION. By simply checking in and becoming familiar with the messages from our body, we can become better at facilitating boundaries in our lives by simply TUNING IN.
Our subconscious bodies hold so much more information than we realize. What we do not process consciously is stored within the body. This is why there is such as thing as SOMATIZATION - a process of releasing emotional or psychological content subconsciously through the body. Freud liked to call this CONVERSION HYSTERIA.
To practice a simple body scan exercise, you can try reading the list of questions below. Take your time through each:
1. Can you feel your hair touching your head?2. Can you feel your belly rising and falling as you breathe?
3. Can you feel the space between your eyes?
4. Can you feel the distance between your ears?
5. Can you feel your breath touching the back of your eyes while you inhale?
See what else you notice and try to scan through the rest of your body. Work your way down to your arms, chest, belly, legs, and toes. Live within a budget.
Some personal finance practices teach us to use 10% - 28% of our income on HOUSING. While savings and retirement should be at around 20% of the total pie. 10 - 20% on INSURANCE and the rest goes to paying your debts, charity, and daily spending.
Keeping a spreadsheet of your financial plans and budgets on a regular basis is one way of practicing BOUNDARIES. It teaches you to live within your means and to establish the discipline of setting money aside regularly.
Wellness isn't just about the physical, mental and emotional aspects of a person. Wellness is also composed of financial, occupational, spiritual, and environmental areas. How do you think you fair when it comes to being financially well? How do you practice boundaries on your spending? And how do you make sure you reach your goals while enjoying the money that you receive?
Practice Data Privacy
Data Privacy is a buzz word in today's tech age, but I don't think #DataPrivacy only applies to the formal setting. While health practitioners (doctors, psychologists, etc) are required by oath to protect the identity of their patients, this practice doesn't just apply to simple doctor - patient confidentiality.
Data privacy applies to you too. And it's a really good way to start practicing boundaries. How?
We can practice data privacy in two ways:
• By protecting another person's story. This means that we do not tell their stories to other people without their consent (a.k.a. CHISMIS / Gossip)
• By giving integrity to the persons you interact with. Integrity means keeping your word, listening mindfully, and holding space - nothing else. In the word of Carl Rogers, we hold someone with UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD.
How do you practice data privacy in your life? In your relationships? In your career? What is one choice you can make today that will hold you in integrity?
in·teg·ri·ty
/inˈteɡrədē/
noun
1.
the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.
2.
the state of being whole and undivided.
Boundaries lie in being able to hold integrity. How? Well, it all starts with being careful with what you say. Making false promises will only get you into trouble. With integrity comes HONESTY, and if you can be honest about your threshold, you can establish very clear boundaries.
Integrity is about being able to keep our word and owning up to the decisions that we make. So where do you think you need to establish better boundaries and get clear on your integrity? Support your serotonin.
Serotonin is a chemical nerve cells produce. It sends signals between your nerve cells. Serotonin is found mostly in the digestive system, although it's also in blood platelets and throughout the central nervous system. Serotonin is made from the essential amino acid tryptophan.
The main function of serotonin is to be able to manage dopamine. If dopamine is not managed we see the likes of manic episodes wherein we cannot seem to stop and we need to keep getting our "fix" - whether that's in our creativity, in the work that we do, etc. The presence of serotonin in this example would be to stop it from going overboard.
It can also work to cap dopamine from dropping too low - such as when we no longer feel interested in doing things, and lose excitement or zest for life. Serotonin's function is to be able to let us know when enough is enough.
This is why with cases of mania or depression, patients may often be prescribed SSRIs or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors.
One way of practicing boundaries is by checking on our serotonin and finding ways to support this. How?
1. Tweak your diet to increase serotonin in your brain -
The Mediterranean diet is especially beneficial for boosting happiness because omega-3 fats, vitamin B12, zinc, magnesium, and iron boost brain health while lowering inflammation.
2. Get consistent good sleep -
People who are depressed or have other mental health problems are often not sleeping enough or sleeping too much. This could affect your body’s ability to use or make serotonin.
3. Take a supplement (Vitamin D)
4. Go for a walk in the sunshine
5. Take steps to lower your stress -
Stress can really mess with your serotonin levels. So make sure you find time to rest!